It's Just Hair...
The day I have been dreading for the last two weeks came. My hair started falling out this past Saturday. I know it really is a silly thing to be so stressed about. In the full picture of cancer it is such a small piece of what your body goes through during treatment. As a person who loves their hair and loves doing their hair it really fucking sucks though.
I knew it would come, they tell you 14-21 days after your first chemo treatment to expect hair loss. Well it started happening at day 12 so to be honest I was a bit pissed about that. Again, so stupid of course it is different for everyone and they can't tell you the exact time it will fall out. I just wasn't ready yet. Wasn't I supposed to have two more days with my beautiful hair?? Yes, I know I sound a little full of myself or worried about my looks but whatever I have cancer I get to be full of myself if I want to be.
I had the first big break down of hysterical crying over it when it first started. I tried to tell myself not to freak out so much. It will grow back when this is all over. I got a cute blonde wig to try. Looking forward to seeing if I will have more fun or not. All of these things you can tell yourself but it doesn't change much. The thought of wearing a wig started to freak me out, I think it was more to do with the thought of losing my hair over the actual wig itself The one thing that did help was the things Ryan said. He told me I am beautiful no matter what and that if Clara could look so beautiful when she was bald so would I. Clara was like really bald for some time so he did make a good point.
I made it to Monday before I couldn't take it anymore. It was coming out in larger chunks by then. It was gross really and it hurt. My scalp felt like I had the worst sun burn. So Monday night after Clara was asleep Ryan shaved it for me.
I cried when he was about to start. He put my hair down around my face and I just cried and said, "but it's so pretty". He told me it would come back and I will still be just as beautiful. First he cut off as much as possible as directed by my hair stylist and then he shaved it. Since he thinks he is the funniest man alive he shaved the top off first and left the sides. I now know what I would look like as a middle aged balding man so that's something. At least he was making me laugh. Once he started I felt better. I didn't cry again. I think the anticipation leading up to losing my hair was far worse than actually losing it was.
Through this part of the journey though Ryan had to remind me of something, something that once he said it I felt better and was more ready to get past this part. He was working nights and I was texting him about my hair and just generally feeling sorry for myself. I told him the worst part of it was that now I would start looking like a cancer patient. He said, "you mean looking like a warrior. You aren't a patient, you're a fighter. Remember, mommy isn't sick." I needed that reminder. I had let myself fall into feeling sick and miserable when that's not what I am. I know that. Some parts of this make it easy to forget that though. At least I have someone to remind me when I forget though. (Also, I say lots of nice things about my husband here but please note I still find him annoying and think most of his jokes are stupid...just don't want to create a false illusion)
So yeah, I have no hair now. It feels pretty weird but my showers are like 5 minutes now so that's a huge time saver as a mom. I was worried Clara wouldn't recognize me or be scared of me or something but she didn't even notice. I'm still her mom and she knows that. Our dogs probably noticed more than she did. Copper sniffed my head for several minutes and when I tried my wig on Chase got a little freaked out until I started talking to him. Mostly though my head is cold so I wear scarves around the house. Haven't taken my wig out for a spin yet but in a couple days I will.
This part is over. One more thing passed and dealt with. My hair will be back and when it is I get to try out all the short styles I've never had before. I'm okay with it being gone now. After all it's just hair.
Just one more thing that I feel is something I shouldn't have to tell you all but if you are ever talking to someone who is fighting cancer DO NOT under any circumstances tell them about someone you know who died from cancer. This is not helpful, it has no purpose and brings no benefit to the person. I'm actually shocked that people think this is something they should say. When you're fighting cancer there's a lot of fear so please don't add to mine.