The First Chemo
Well I made it through my first chemotherapy treatment and the week that followed it. It was ugly. No, worse it was horrible but it is over and I feel like a human again. So here's a recap of how this all went down.
The treatment itself was really not bad at all. I get three different drugs through an IV. Two of them the nurse has to hand push because they can damage your veins if they go too quickly in. So she sat there and we chatted. She was lovely, all the staff at the Cross Cancer Institute are. I think they only take the nicest people in the nursing field there. My last drug was on a drip and it took about half an hour. Ryan and I played a card game (I won both games - he swears he didn't let me win because I have cancer). After we went and got what I refer to as "cancer snacks". I have to eat often so needed the supplies. That night I felt fine, until 2:30 am when the nausea hit. It wasn't horrible, I wasn't throwing up or anything just felt a little uneasy. I didn't sleep much more that night.
The following two days were about the same. Feeling sick but could control it, The insomnia was terrible. I could sleep about an hour at a time and then be awake for a few hours. One of those days we even made it outside for a walk. The next day though the fatigue hit me really hard. Its a tired that you couldn't possibly understand if you haven't felt it. My Mom described it as feeling it in your bones, you're just exhausted. She was right. I felt like I was in a heavy fog for about four days. I was basically a zombie, couldn't think straight, couldn't remember things, could barely function, but also couldn't sleep.
After the nausea stopped I didn't get up to eat one morning until about 11 am. This was on Friday. I finally came downstairs and ate but was feeling horrible. I tried to go to the washroom. I could feel it then the I'm about to pass out haze. I called for Ryan (thankfully). He helped me to try to get out of the bathroom and then I started to go. He was already holding me under my arms. I crumpled to the floor in our back entrance. He was worried, I could hear it in his voice. I was only out for a couple seconds. He wanted to take me to the hospital. I could tell how scared and worried he was. I convinced him to call the nursing triage line, they said it was likely just my blood sugar and to monitor it for the rest of the day before taking me in. I ate all day. I felt terrible the whole day but better than I did so we didn't end up going to the hospital. I cried that night, I was so scared. At this point it felt like I would never feel normal again.
The worst of it all was the unknown. You have no idea how your body will react. I was completely useless. I could barely hold Clara. I couldn't do anything for her. Not feed her a bottle, not put her to bed. Its a really horrible feeling, being useless to your child. It made me so mad, I want to do things for her but I could easily pass out again and I wouldn't risk something happening to her. She had Ryan though, we both did. He took care of us all. At the end of every hard day he gave me a big hug and said "good fighting". I love him. If there is anything that cancer has really solidified for me its that I married the most amazing man.
After that I just felt really tired and fuzzy feeling. Each night got a little better, we moved our mini fridge into our bedroom for night snacks. I'm now rather worried it will never leave our bedroom and Ryan will insist on keeping some beer on hand. Cause that's what every bedroom is missing right? I'm feeling better now, just tired but I can sleep at night so that helps.
To be honest, I lost a lot of hope during the last week. When I was in the worst of it, I didn't think I would be able to do anything with Clara for the rest of this. I was so worried about her. She had to go for her immunizations and I couldn't go with her. It killed me, just one more thing to add to the list of things Mom can't be there for. Ryan said it was probably for the best, I just cry when she gets a needle anyways. He's probably right, she was fine but still I would have been there if it wasn't for cancer.
Don't worry though, I'm back to being positive. Now that I know the worst of it will only be a week and then I will get more and more back to normal. I slowly was able to do things again. I bathed Clara a few days ago, that felt really good. Today I made baby food. Having cancer doesn't mean you can't also be supermom, it just means sometimes you have to step aside and let superdad step in (superdad does not make baby food though). We even carved pumpkins as a family to prepare for Clara's first Halloween because I love Halloween! This will only be five horrible weeks of the next four or so months. Five weeks really isn't that much time and it isn't five straight weeks. I can do this. I will make it. I will show cancer it fucked with the wrong girl.