Its the end of week three for me but today instead of stressing about feeling terrible tomorrow I'm relaxed because I get an extra week of feeling normal(ish). I had my blood work done on Friday and my appointment with my nurse practitioner, my white blood cell count was too low to move forward with my next session of chemo. So now I will go back for blood work this Friday again to see if I can get my treatment done for December 9 instead.
So since I get another week of being coherent I thought I'd share some updates and some things that have been going on that I haven't dove into yet and that alone don't need a full post.
This past week I finally got out of my house (on several occasions). I've been terrified about going out. Since chemo lowers your immune system it can be very dangerous for me to get sick. At the start of this we went to a chemo teaching class at the Cross Cancer Institute. They tell you how dangerous it can be to get an infection and they literally say "people have died from infections during chemo". Like great that's really helpful. Their intent is to tell you how serious it can be and to not ignore any possible symptoms and go to the hospital immediately. So that got me a little freaked out. After my first treatment I really didn't leave my house at all for three weeks. After the last one I have moved passed it a little and have been getting out a little.
It can be super hard going out, I still get tired easily so I have to be careful not to over do it. Especially with Clara as it takes more energy to take her places. I have not yet gone anywhere alone with Clara without Ryan (other than my best friends house) because honestly it scares me a little. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe just because if I get too tired or have trouble at all I'm alone with no backup. I don't know though for sure. This week I am going to try to get out with her alone some. So hopefully I can get the courage to do it and go out. So there's that, I've been trapping myself in my house to avoid germs. I did go out with my mom and sister this weekend and we went out with some friends as well. It felt really good to do more normal things, things we would have been doing if it wasn't for cancer.
Another thing I have been struggling with is speech. Its one of the side effects of chemo, difficulty remembering things and saying the right words. If you have ever experience mom brain, its like that times about 20. I say the wrong words a lot. Like words that don't even make sense and aren't remotely close to what I was trying to say. A few weeks ago I meant to ask Ryan to get the chili out of the freezer but instead I said get the turkey out of the freezer. Yes, sometimes the things I say are funny and we laugh but its really frustrating. So frustrating that one night I was trying to tell Ryan something and I messed up what I was saying and he laughed, I instantly just started bawling. I was mad because he was making fun of me again and it just felt like every time I try to talk I screw up what I mean to say. I get sayings wrong and jumble up words or letters. I can laugh about it sometimes but its really just so annoying and I have to really think about what I'm trying to say ALL THE TIME. Ryan did apologise and told me its not me and its not my fault. Which I know but I just hit a breaking point with it. Even writing my blog posts has gotten more difficult. I have to spell check words that I shouldn't have to but I just can't figure out how to spell them. It feels like I put so much more effort into what I'm trying to say and its exhausting. We still laugh a some of the things I say sometimes, I just asked Ryan to not go on about it so much. Some days I'm just not in the mood to joke and laugh about cancer. Some days I am though and it helps.
Something positive though, since my treatment has been moved and as long as it does happen next week, I will be able to enjoy Christmas. If I had stayed on schedule I would have been due for another treatment on December 23 so I would have felt terrible through all of Christmas. If my treatment ends up on December 9th as now expected I will get the whole week of Christmas as my week three. I've been worried about this as it is Clara's first Christmas. I know she won't remember it and everyone has told me that but the thing is I will remember it. That's what I have been worried about. There's already so much that cancer has ruined for us that I really didn't want Christmas to also be a terrible experience. Hopefully things will stay on track now for my next chemo and I will be able to enjoy Christmas dinners and watching Clara play with the wrapping paper instead of the actual presents she gets.
I'm really exhausted all the time but I'm doing my best to push through and do the things I want to so that I feel a little bit normal. It's hard though, being alone taking care of Clara is very tiring. I can't just go lay down when I feel like I need it and I do my best to play with her and go outside if we can. I push through the exhaustion for her but its hard. I also though wouldn't have it any other way. She keeps my mind busy and off of cancer no matter how tired I am. Ryan often says that Clara likely saved my life. If it wasn't for having her and the way in which I found my cancer maybe if I hadn't been breastfeeding I wouldn't have found the lump so soon and it would have spread more than it did. Maybe Clara came at just the right time after struggling to get pregnant. I like to think she did save me, I know she does now every day. She's the biggest reason I fight. She's the reason I get up every day and don't just feel sorry for myself. I push through it all for her. Mommy is tired but isn't giving up and sure as hell isn't sick.