Halfway

Halfway through chemo!!!! It has been almost two weeks since my treatment and it was by far the smoothest yet. This also means that I am done with that cocktail of drugs. The next drug I get though is apparently worse so stay tuned to see how that turns out.

My actual treatment wasn't all that great though. My veins had some issues and reacted a lot which just means it hurt easily when the nurse started to push the drugs in. She had to start a second IV because the vein she started on turned bright red up my arm as soon as the first drug hit. That was annoying but at least she picked veins that were not in an uncomfortable spot like my wrist (like the last time). She used lots of heat on my arm to try to help too and then had to push the drugs really really slow. The treatment lasted longer than the last one because of it but it was fine after that. The days that followed were rather similar to the last time but just not as extreme. I was still fuzzy feeling but not so much that I couldn't carry on a conversation. I was still really tired and had trouble sleeping but overall did not feel nearly as bad.

I've been feeling really good the last couple days and have been getting ready for the holidays. I'm hosting my family for Christmas and currently have my sister and her son (who is two weeks younger than Clara) staying with me which has been really nice and not just because my sister cleans and bakes cookies! (Quick side note, we tried putting both babies in a sled together, Clara was not impressed and we are finding is a bit of a bully.) I'm doing my best to make the most of the holidays since I actually get to enjoy them. When I'm feeling good I do my best to do normal things even if its hard or tiring.

Since my chemo was rather uneventful lets talk about anger. It is really really easy to be angry about cancer. I mean that makes sense right? I'm of course feeling the typical "why me", "this isn't fair", and "I hate that I have to go through this". There's a bit more to what I've been feeling lately though. I'm really angry about the things I've missed or will miss or will be different because of cancer. One of those things was missing my best friend, Lindsey's daughter's first birthday. Our daughters are four months apart and we were so excited to be on mat leave together. I mean how freaking wonderful, I get to spend all of this time figuring out this mom thing with one of my favourite people! Not only that but she's amazing and we have a pretty top notch friendship. No judgement, pure support in everything we do. We had a wonderful summer doing things with the girls. We spent so much time together. Cancer stopped that. We still do lots together when I feel up to it but its not the same. I can't go to the gym with her or the mall. This of course adds to my anger but not being there for her daughter's birthday made me really mad and sad. If my treatment hadn't been delayed I would have been able to go but I wasn't feeling up to it and there were a lot of people going and too many unknown germs. I know it was the best decision to not go and I know she more than understands. It wasn't about that though. It was about me wanting to be there. It was important to me because I've been there for everything else through this first year. I know her daughter won't remember and I will be there next year but it still bothers me. Her Mom did send me videos though which was really nice (not only did I get an awesome best friend but her parents are really great too). It also makes me realize what else I will have to miss. I won't get to go to see my sister for her sons first birthday either as it will be shortly after my surgery. I would have gone otherwise. I will of course be there for Clara's but I won't be able to lift her at that point. It just gets to me, missing these important milestones.

I constantly find myself thinking about how something would have gone if I didn't have cancer. Or what I would have been doing that week if I didn't have cancer. It can become consuming sometimes. I did however finally talk to Ryan about it and he did make me feel better. I know this is not my fault and it will not be forever. There's still fear in the back of my mind all the time though. That fear though was lifted some at my last appointment. My tumor has shrunk half a centimeter! It is responding to the chemo. That was such a relief. I know the odds are really good but its still scary to think that really anything can happen. This though gave some reassurance that it will be cured and feeling like total shit all the time has had a pay off at least.

I'm working through my anger, the best I can. I am considering going to see a professional to talk to about this kind of thing though. My only hold up has been more appointments and more time away from Clara. I know that I need to take care of myself though in order to come out of this as best and strong as I can for her. I've been trying more to think of the things I am grateful for. Like that fact that it was caught in time, that I live in a country that I won't go into to financial ruin just to survive, and that I have amazing love and support from my family and friends. I couldn't imagine going through this all without all of you behind me, so thank you.

The holidays do have me feeling a lot more positive. It really is going to be a great Christmas and I'm so excited to spend it with those I love. I hope you all take some time to think about how fortunate you are this holiday season for all of the good in your life; we definitely don't take the time to do that enough. If nothing else, be really thankful for your eyelashes cause I'm learning how much they really do! I'm halfway through chemo, just three more to go and I can't fucking wait for it to be over.

-Raelene