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  • Writer's pictureRaelene

Goodbye 2019

Happy New Years! I had chemo yesterday so that has us lined up for an exciting New Years Eve...not. I'm actually feeling alright so far. This was the start of my new drug and the treatment went fine, just waiting for the symptoms to hit as they will be new and different. So I will save that topic for the next post to see how this all turns out.

On a happy note, we had a magical Christmas. It was everything (minus cancer) I hoped Clara's first Christmas would be. She had an obsession with the bows on every gift and actually enjoyed some of her actual presents as well. We had a great time with both of our families. My Mom had us doing shooters at 11:30 am on Christmas day so that must be the sign of a good Christmas. Clara was spoiled of course and was a hit at every event we went to. She had her first skating experience, well Ryan skated with her and she seemed to be a fan. The holidays were good to us and I felt really good the whole time. I'm feeling much more positive after getting to enjoy my little girls first Christmas. Ryan wrote me a beautiful card (on behalf of Clara) that had me bawling happy tears and was everything I needed.

Now on to the new year. 2019 has me very torn. The absolute most amazing thing happened to me this year in Clara entering our family and creating so much joy and love in our home. Yet the worst thing also happened to me, cancer. Cancer did not take away that joy and love, if anything it has made me realize just how lucky we are to have such an amazing little person in our lives. It still isn't fair though, we deserved to have a full year of happiness and well no cancer. How can one year bring something so amazing and then something so terrible? I'm happy the year I was diagnosed is ending and that hopefully 2020 is the year I beat cancer and get my life back.

I am trying to focus on the positive of 2019 as much as possible. I don't want to look back on the year of Clara's birth with only negative feelings because she doesn't deserve that and neither do I. Yes, something life changing and terrifying happened but cancer won't define our year. We did a lot of wonderful things as a family. Ryan and I became parents and that's a big deal. There is a lot of good that this year brought and I'm doing my best to focus on that.

Though cancer is a really shitty thing to go through, I have been brought to realize how many amazing people that we have in our lives. That's a big take away from this year too. I obviously would have preferred to not be diagnosed to find that out. I mean yes, I knew my family and friends were outstanding but I have seen them all come together and help us in ways I didn't know we needed.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for us. Making us food, providing support, sending money or skip the dishes credits. Everything counts and is helpful and we are so grateful. Our families have been so great in being there for Clara, it makes it so much easier to leave for all of the appointments knowing that she is surrounded by people who love her. We love you all so much and couldn't make it through this without you. We are so lucky to have such amazing family support and love through this journey.

I could thank everyone individually but that would take some time so to all of my amazing friends, I love you all and thank you for your support. Thank you for still treating me like me. I know I have told a few of you to not keep your problems from me no matter how big or small, I want to know what's going on in your life and I appreciate that you guys listened. I do not want to come out of this and have no idea what everyone else is going through. I am still me and I am still the same friend you all had before having cancer. It also helps me feel normal which is a big deal when going through something like this. Thank you for checking in on me and doing so much to help us. You are all wonderful and I feel so lucky to call each of you my friend.

So there you have it the end to 2019 and the struggle that it brings. Again, thank you everyone who as been there for us this year. Ryan and I are so happy to have each and every one of you in our lives providing support. I can't wait to celebrate the end of all of this with you all in 2020. So Happy New Year! We will see you all in the year I kick cancers ass!


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